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Higher than Expected Increase in Revenues Prevents Exxon-Mobile from Paying Exxon Valdez Fine, Ending Policy of Third World Exploitation and Violent Oppression

Due to a $3.8 billion, 60% increase in revenues this year, Exxon-Mobil is once again unable to pay court-mandated cleanup costs for the Exxon Valdez oil spill (Reuters, 29 Apr 04), paying court-ordered punitive damages to fraudulently overcharged gas station owners (, 16 Mar 2004), or ending policies of exploitation and violent oppression in third world countries (, accessed 30 May, 2004).

"Our homegrown puppet, George W. Bush, has handed us profits exceeding our wildest expectations," said a totally fictitious yet eerily plausible Exxon-Mobil spokesperson. "There's no way we can let any of that slip through our fingers for anything as irrelevant to us as paying for our various crimes against humanity," she continued. "When Nelson Rockefeller, I forget which one, was asked how much is enough, he answered, 'More.' That is our policy, our philosophy, and our dream here at Exxon-Mobil. We have tarred the once beautiful Alaskan wilderness through the use of substandard, single-hulled tankers with substandard officers, and totally screwed over the ordinary, hard-working gas station owners who so obligingly sell our product for us. We have bulldozed Colombian villages without prior notice or consultation with the villagers, helped China tighten its stranglehold on Tibet in return for a trans-Tibetan pipeline, and provided ourselves with unrestricted toxic dumping grounds in Indonesia for the negligible consideration of letting the military there use our refinery facilities for torture and interrogation sessions. When we see this kind of return on our investments, it not only motivates us pursue these kinds of actions even more aggressively, it compels us to do so."

"The best part," she added, "is that we have virtually free reign for these sorts of behaviors because we have spent over $40 million to influence the U.S. government over the last ten years. That's 6 times as much as those losers at Enron spent. If Americans have anyone to thank for the superhighway to global warming paved by the Bush-Exxon administrations rejection of the Kyoto Protocol Treaty, it's us."

When asked by our reporter if the sort of get-tough-on-crime policies generally supported by conservative, oil company executive types and their mouthpiece in the White House shouldn't also apply to themselves, she replied, "Our view on that is the same as our view on the $5 billion in subsidy handouts given to us by the government in return for our paltry $40 million in bribes-impunity to the laws of human decency, like welfare, is for those who are rich enough to buy it." Moved to tears with the poignancy of Exxon-Mobil's plight, she returned a question of her own, "Without desperately oppressed, poverty-stricken people at home and abroad, how would we be able to operate?"

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